Nine Dumb Ass Things I Have Done!

When I think about some of the “dumb ass” things that I have done over the years, I cringe and wonder what the heck I was thinking about when I did them. Throughout my life I have found ways to embarrass myself in ways that most people would never find themselves in. Below are nine things I wish that I never did listed from the least regrettable to the most regrettable.

9. Ate that Spanish onion

The object of the game was to, while blindfolded, pull something out of the sack and eat it. So here I was feeling around in the sack hoping to find an apple or something round and safe to eat. Being a relay event, I was in such a rush to pull something out that I ended up with this Spanish onion instead of what I thought was an apple. My stomach paid the price for days to come. Why couldn’t the kid who selected the Oreo cookies end up with the friggen onion!

8. Dialed that long distance number into my cell phone while driving on black ice.

A few years ago while driving home, I slid into the back of a pickup truck while trying to dial a long distance number on my cell phone. Needless to say, the damage to my car was rather extensive. Lesson learned. Now my driving is priority and my radio, cell phone and coffee cup are not.

7. Blared my horn at the little old lady who turned out to be my mother’s good friend.

Back when I was much younger, it didn’t take much to blare on the horn when, in my estimation, some other driver wasn’t “towing the line.” Just as I hit the horn from behind her car and gesticulated in a fashion that would scare even the toughest old lady, I realized that it was my mother’s good friend. Needless to say, she was not overly impressed with me but fortunately she didn’t recognize me.

6. Skipped that last gas station

It was 2:30am in the morning when I passed that last gas station on the Interstate 75 in Ohio with only a half a tank of fuel. By the time I was at empty, I had yet to locate an open gas station in the wee hours of the morning. I ended up sleeping in my car until about 7am when a Petro Canada station just across the Canadian border opened up for service. My mistake cost me about 3 hours of travel time.

5. Left my guitar under a spot light prior to performing with it in front of a room full of Rotarians.

My sister and I used to perform in front of different churches and groups of people. With her on her accordion and me on my guitar, we would eek out a few tunes. Hopefully on a good day, people would recognize the songs, smile and clap more out of pity than enjoyment.

There was one time, in front of some important Rotarians, when I picked up my guitar and started playing it only to realize that, due to basking my guitar in front of a hot spotlight, my strings were way out of tune. It was not only a disaster but also the last time I ever played that thing in front of anybody. What a nightmare!

4. Walking up to a cute female friend of my sister’s and shaking the tar out of her only realize that it wasn’t her.

While in high school… walked up to her from behind, grabbed her by the shoulders and shook real hard… Wrong person… Not a good experience… Need I say more?

3. Kicking the foot of an old friend of mine only to find out that it wasn’t her.

You would have thought I would have learned from the shoulder shaking incident!

2. Numbering my speech’s cue cards with roman numerals

I really don’t know why I did it but for some unintelligent reason I numbered my cue cards for my speech with roman numerals (I, II, III, IV, V and so on.) So there I was standing in the front of my grade eight class when I realized that my cards were all out of whack. The speech was about a scouting trip from Ontario to Pennsylvania. I was all over the scope. First I was in eating my hotdog, then I was cooking it, I woke up before I went to sleep… Everything was out of order. The class was as confused as I was. Needless to say, I didn’t win that speech competition!

1. Passing a love note, with spelling mistakes, to my girlfriend

Oh! Ohh! Ohhh! No!! Don’t ever do this! I had just met this cute girl while at university and within a few weeks we were hitched. One day while in class, I passed her a “love note” with the following message… “Hi Sweaty!” I watched as she opened it hoping to observe her blush at my complimentary words when instead she shot a glare at me that would annihilate anything and everything in its path. It was there and then that I learned that the correct way to spell it was “Sweety!”

So there you go… Believe it or not, I had a difficult time paring my list down to nine. I don’t know about you but I think that becoming a hermit is probably the best way for me to cease and desist from any other dumb ass things that I may do. Sheesh!