Friday, February 08, 2008

Nine Dumb Ass Things I Have Done!

When I think about some of the “dumb ass” things that I have done over the years, I cringe and wonder what the heck I was thinking about when I did them. Throughout my life I have found ways to embarrass myself in ways that most people would never find themselves in. Below are nine things I wish that I never did listed from the least regrettable to the most regrettable.

9. Ate that Spanish onion

The object of the game was to, while blindfolded, pull something out of the sack and eat it. So here I was feeling around in the sack hoping to find an apple or something round and safe to eat. Being a relay event, I was in such a rush to pull something out that I ended up with this Spanish onion instead of what I thought was an apple. My stomach paid the price for days to come. Why couldn’t the kid who selected the Oreo cookies end up with the friggen onion!

8. Dialed that long distance number into my cell phone while driving on black ice.

A few years ago while driving home, I slid into the back of a pickup truck while trying to dial a long distance number on my cell phone. Needless to say, the damage to my car was rather extensive. Lesson learned. Now my driving is priority and my radio, cell phone and coffee cup are not.

7. Blared my horn at the little old lady who turned out to be my mother’s good friend.

Back when I was much younger, it didn’t take much to blare on the horn when, in my estimation, some other driver wasn’t “towing the line.” Just as I hit the horn from behind her car and gesticulated in a fashion that would scare even the toughest old lady, I realized that it was my mother’s good friend. Needless to say, she was not overly impressed with me but fortunately she didn’t recognize me.

6. Skipped that last gas station

It was 2:30am in the morning when I passed that last gas station on the Interstate 75 in Ohio with only a half a tank of fuel. By the time I was at empty, I had yet to locate an open gas station in the wee hours of the morning. I ended up sleeping in my car until about 7am when a Petro Canada station just across the Canadian border opened up for service. My mistake cost me about 3 hours of travel time.

5. Left my guitar under a spot light prior to performing with it in front of a room full of Rotarians.

My sister and I used to perform in front of different churches and groups of people. With her on her accordion and me on my guitar, we would eek out a few tunes. Hopefully on a good day, people would recognize the songs, smile and clap more out of pity than enjoyment.

There was one time, in front of some important Rotarians, when I picked up my guitar and started playing it only to realize that, due to basking my guitar in front of a hot spotlight, my strings were way out of tune. It was not only a disaster but also the last time I ever played that thing in front of anybody. What a nightmare!

4. Walking up to a cute female friend of my sister’s and shaking the tar out of her only realize that it wasn’t her.

While in high school… walked up to her from behind, grabbed her by the shoulders and shook real hard… Wrong person… Not a good experience… Need I say more?

3. Kicking the foot of an old friend of mine only to find out that it wasn’t her.

You would have thought I would have learned from the shoulder shaking incident!

2. Numbering my speech’s cue cards with roman numerals

I really don’t know why I did it but for some unintelligent reason I numbered my cue cards for my speech with roman numerals (I, II, III, IV, V and so on.) So there I was standing in the front of my grade eight class when I realized that my cards were all out of whack. The speech was about a scouting trip from Ontario to Pennsylvania. I was all over the scope. First I was in eating my hotdog, then I was cooking it, I woke up before I went to sleep… Everything was out of order. The class was as confused as I was. Needless to say, I didn’t win that speech competition!

1. Passing a love note, with spelling mistakes, to my girlfriend

Oh! Ohh! Ohhh! No!! Don’t ever do this! I had just met this cute girl while at university and within a few weeks we were hitched. One day while in class, I passed her a “love note” with the following message… “Hi Sweaty!” I watched as she opened it hoping to observe her blush at my complimentary words when instead she shot a glare at me that would annihilate anything and everything in its path. It was there and then that I learned that the correct way to spell it was “Sweety!”

So there you go… Believe it or not, I had a difficult time paring my list down to nine. I don’t know about you but I think that becoming a hermit is probably the best way for me to cease and desist from any other dumb ass things that I may do. Sheesh!


A Happy Downtowner said...

Dave ~ I know I shouldn't laugh at the list but it's too funny. I also did a few of these things. Yep, honking and gesturing... been there, done that... :)

Sandy said...

These were hilarious!! I love the "sweaty" one...but all of them had me laughing.


Hammer said...

Those sound kind of familiar. One time I called my first grade teacher mommy. That sucked.

Mother of Invention said...

Hey! Good list and you've still got more?!! Too bad about the mean you never tried to pretend you could play in front of kids? My kids at school used to think I could play so well until they grew up and realised I was just playing a few simple chords!

monsoon-dreams said...

very funny,dave!

Wanda said...

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha....I can't stop laughing.

Don't we all have our lists...yes!

geewits said...

Geez, those are nothing. That stuff's all just a regular day for me (except I wouldn't have eaten the onion). I was severely buzzed at a party in my early 20's and a girl told me that the baby they had adopted had died of sids and I said, "Well, can you get your money back?" The only good thing about that is that I've gone a whole quarter of a century feeling like nothing I said or did was too horrible. I hope like hell I never do or say anything worse than THAT. Have a nice weekend, Sweaty.

BBC said...

I guess I haven't done many dumb ass things. But one new years eve many years ago a friend was at my place partying with me and my new wife and we got the bright idea to hide one of the bikers Harley's as a joke.

There was a bunch of bad ass bikers that lived across the street, and they caught us pushing the bike away.

We dropped it and ran, I got away but they beat the crap out of him. After that I didn't pull stunts like that anymore.

I guess the most consistent dumb thing I did when young was drinking and driving.

Back then in the west everywhere you went was measured in six or twelve packs.

I've had more than one car sitting on a hundred miles an hour on public highways. Amazing that I never got any tickets or a DUI.

Got over that stuff a long time ago though.

K M F said...

dave fantastic post

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Impressive list but I think you would have competition for the top Dumb Ass. But the "sweaty" one is a winner.

Gudl said...

I read the whole thing!
Don't we all do dumb things? I remember a few... but, I don't tell ;-)

abbagirl74 said...

You are so funny, sweaty.

Jocelyn said...

Man, if this is as bad as you've been, you're not so very dumb at all.

Only a little. Sometimes.


Sunil Parashar said...

Hello Dave,
How are you? How's Life at your end?
Hope you remember me. :)

Sorry for the long absence but now I'm back with Strings of Life and with a fresh start.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Your old friend Sunil.

Sunil Parashar said...

Hahahaha!!! LOL!!!
It's an amazing list.
You addressed your sweety as Sweaty? that really was a big blunder i guess. :)

Once I also kicked a person from behind only to realize later that he's not my friend. Happens at times. :D


Anonymous said...

Ha - it would be impossible for me to narrow mine down to 9!

alicesg said...

Hahaha... Sometimes we wished we could turn the clock back and start all over again.

Portia said...

It's a great list, and so good of you to share it! The "Sweaty" love note was pretty good, but an innocent mistake at the same time.

Josie said...

Dave, those made me laugh out loud, especially "Hi Sweaty!" Omigosh.

I think we have all done things that make us cringe when we remember them years later. I know I have, and still do - unfortunately. :-)

alexander said...

Haha... This is funny.
Nice capture of the donkey. The way you relate them is interesting!

Lynn said...

Thanks for the Monday morning laugh:~) This is one very funny list...If you've only done 9 dumb ass things in your lifetime then you are way ahead of the game. I'm afraid that my list would be way longer...sigh

Jazz said...

I wouldn't be able to narrow down the list of dumbass things to only 9.... It seems like some days, dumbass is all I do.

Akelamalu said...

LOL oh boy - put it all down to experience!

HelenMH said...

Oh dear - I've come so close to A LOT of those things. I often think the only way to stop myself doing embarrassing things is to just not go out!

Julie at Virtual Voyage said...

Priceless. The guitar brought back memories of tuneless gigs in vastly changing temperatures in old buildings....been there, done that, ate the onion....


I cannot believe it's taken me this long to come over here..Have I been here before? this post had me thinking about all the dumb things I've done..makes me think it would work for a great meme!! :)
Nice to read you!

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